Before you get all weird and foot fetish-y about my choice of picture for today's update, you should first consider that maybe you are being just a bit judgy.
Yep... judgment.
Why do I emphasize the word "judgment"? Because I sure am feeling a whole heck of a lot of it. And after rejoining some Church singles groups for support, I realize it is quite common among single people in the LDS culture to feel a lot of judgment. The Church is hyper-focused on the family as a part of God's plan. Guess what folks... a family of one is still a family! The other area of judgment I don't need is your assumption that I didn't give my marriage absolutely everything I had and that I threw it away on a whim. Trust me, I prayed and prayed. I fasted. I read and studied scripture. I sought counsel from Church leaders. I exhausted individual and couple's counseling. I understood my covenants, and still do. But.... not every princess who goes to the castle to marry her prince lives happily ever after. I will just say this and move on... many members of the Church go inactive within the first year after a divorce. And even more by year two. I can't help but wonder if the judgment is a good part of the reason. I know for me, I feel incredibly uncomfortable nearly every Sunday now. I just wish people would pay attention to their own issues and let me worship.
Well... on those harsh notes... moving on to the good stuff and the explanation of my foot picture!
Month 2 post-divorce was an adventure. First "fun" memory was my car. Turned out my car, yes, the car I just barely bought, had a bad fuel pump. This resulted in a major realization of personal and financial independence win for me. I chose to take her to a new repair shop. I did the research, asked the questions, and based on reviews, chose the place and had a diagnostic run. Cost of the diagnostic and oil change aside, the ordeal was going to cost about $1000. A guy from church saw me post my need for the repair on social media. He took it upon himself to see if he could throw his weight around at the repair shop he uses for his business to see if he could get me a better deal. He would have been able to secure me a deal about $100 less than what my shop told me, but I needed to exert some independence and needed to do something for myself to prove to myself that I can handle these things alone. Don't get me wrong... love and support and a bit of help are great, but I needed to do this particular thing alone to prove something to myself. And I did! From start to finish, aside from the money in repairs, it was a good experience. I was not treated like a damsel in distress. I was not treated like an ignorant princess. The staff at the shop clearly and respectfully described the issue and helped me understand the repairs that were required now and those that could wait and the benefits and drawbacks of each choice. The shop made sure I had a ride to and from the shop to home and work. They did a full diagnostic of my entire car and gave me a printout that revealed everything about my car and where she is and an estimate of when I need to do things for her in the future like replacing the brakes, tires, how often to do oil changes, battery. everything. It was a pleasant experience considering the occasion. Being able to pay for the repairs from my savings, not having to go into debt for them, and not having to ask for help was a big boost for me. All the effort I have put into my finances has paid off (pun intended) and I walked away from this ecstatic that I am able to handle financial blows without a man. I feel very financially fit and independent. This was a win that I needed.
The weekend my car was in the shop, I had a work-related meeting on a Sunday. No city busses run on Sunday and I didn't want to pay for an Uber or rental if I didn't have to. So, I took to our work chat and sent out a beacon. A coworker, male, who happens to be single offered the ride. We went to said meeting and upon arrival got a few looks and smiles from others. This is not a date, folks, he offered me a ride, thanks. After the meeting, he asked me if I would like to stop for ice cream on the way home. Oh boy. Last time I was single and went for ice cream I ended up married a few weeks later. Triggered, I shouted at him, "this is NOT a date!". The look he gave me was daggers. "Nope, I just want a chocolate shake and didn't want to order one in front of you. Definitely not a date and if you want something you can order and pay for your own." Sorry I was so easily triggered!
School is going well. This block term ends next week and unless something really goes wrong, I am walking away with another "A". I am on target to get my latest certification in a few weeks. Due to an assignment to create a professional Facebook page, I have been considering what side hustles I can do with that certificate as I continue to cash flow my degree.
Mother's Day came and went. Once again, I tried to go into it with positivity and a bit of an attempt to just ignore it. To no avail. Still hate Mother's Day and still wish people would just let me get by without acknowledging it as a holiday. Being forced to celebrate the betrayal of my uterus and complex childhood trauma is frustrating.
I made a REALLY big social media blunder. I unblocked him. I don't know why I thought I could maybe reach out to him and see if he wanted to work on our friendship. I guess I was a lot too hopeful that when we said we could remain friends after the divorce that would even be possible. NOPE. Among the things I saw on his social media presence was an incredible amount of dishonesty about us and the stories he is telling others. I can't help but wonder if our mutual friends believe him over me and that is so frustrating. I now know where my leather-like leggings went. He changed his profile picture to that of him wearing MY leather leggings and acting as if he is a rock star playing an electric guitar. My leather leggings look pretty good on him, but they are MINE and I want them back. Most crushing of all, however, is that he is already actively seeking a new relationship. Ink on the divorce papers isn't even dry yet. The emotions that came to the surface once I saw that were very confusing. I experienced every emotion from joy for him all the way through to betrayal as if I were thrown out like last night's trash. In talking these feelings out later with my therapist, the emotion is now relief. This is further evidence that he doesn't have the ability to do life independently.
The therapist and I then discussed what the future holds for me as far as relationships. I am good. I need to be in a great relationship with me. I need to be independent, balanced, taking care of my needs. I need to be the whole cake, all by myself, icing and all. A relationship would just be some extra icing or the decorations. I am getting there, I am doing very well, and I am taking my time. I am proud of the progress I am making.
I've started eating better and getting more movement. I am going through the food in my house and deciding if it supports the me that I want to be. In fact, I am being more mindful of all my decisions and considering if I am supporting the me that I want to be. There is quite a bit that I have thrown out or donated. So many thoughts and beliefs and patterns of behavior that need to go to the dumpster and food and things that can be donated to someone in need of my excess.
One thing I no longer want to be is the victim of my story. To be the victim, that means someone has to be the villain. The language is hard and the shift in the way of thinking and speaking is very different than what I have learned over the years, but I believe I have the capacity to learn differently. I also want to. When someone asks me how I am doing, I no longer want him to be part of how I am doing. So he can't be the villain anymore. There are a few other people I have made out to be the villain in my story... I have a lot of work to do.
I got myself a small step stool. It has been a handy reminder that I can do hard things independently. Including the shoes in the picture of this post. So now, for the rest of the story...
This particular pair of shoes was a big deal when I was married to him. In those shoes, I got to hear him tell me that I had great legs or that the shoes made me tall enough to reach his lips. On days that I needed a bit of a boost or wanted to be playful, I would go get those shoes and like a damsel in distress pout my lips and put my feet in his lap and ask him to buckle them. Then at Church or on our date or whatever the occasion, I would prance around in those shoes and tease him. My confidence would be boosted and I felt like a vixen and I felt like with every step I was the center of his attention for the moment. I have avoided looking at those shoes for a while. It hits me hard sometimes realizing what I lost when I lost him. And then other times, I sit back and am thankful for the time that we had, the lessons I learned then, and the lessons I will learn because of our parting. If you know the song by Miley Cyrus, "I Can Buy Myself Flowers", imagine the tune with the words changed to "I can buckle my own shoes". I will get this. I will figure it all out. Time and a lot of work are going to turn me into my highest potential. And someday, I won't need the shoes to realize it.
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